On a recent trip to Boise, I started questioning what it really is that keeps us from getting what we want in life. You read all sorts of things like, “we are afraid of reaching that goal because then what”? Or “we are lazy! We can look up how to do anything on the internet.” It’s all true. But just because we know what’s stopping us doesn’t mean we are willing to now do what we have to to get where we want to be.
So here I am pondering this mundane idea; one that’s constantly being translated over and over again with little results. While also thinking to myself that I’ve lived 31 years on this planet and pretty much the entire time has been spent in an anxious subconscious imposter state. On the rare occasion that I’ve felt alive, it’s been when I was completely independent and quite honestly in moments of utter devastation… I’m now married and truly happy, so why am I feeling unable to move forward? Stuck in my own imposter rut?
I’m suddenly thinking about the amazing people around me; these people who have always been there regardless of my pain or confusion. And suddenly, I start to realize that this feeling is partially attributed to my fear of impeding my marriage. What if I change and he doesn’t love me anymore? What if I embarrass him? What if somehow I go from being the cute and loveable Amy to the woman he’s unsure about inviting to the next work Christmas party? What if I ruin my marriage because I want to change and grow? —Can I point out that these questions also distract us from the fact that we only have so much time on this planet?
This realization was so blatantly obvious that my head almost exploded. It makes SO MUCH sense! And while I’m well aware that the insecurities that I posses are 99% in my head and potentially bear no effect whatsoever on my marriage, it’s there. It’s real. And it’s been happening in every single relationship I’ve ever been in!!! Now I’m not a math wiz, but it looks like there’s a common denominator here… ME!
So let’s talk about my marriage for a second. This is the best relationship I’ve ever been in, my husband is an amazing man whom I adore, and I’ve never felt more proud to find myself in a relationship that continues to have us growing together. When we met, I was proudly independent and probably the most confident I’ve ever been in my own body. I was having fun with life, taking chances Id never taken & living my life to what I considered to be the absolute fullest. The world was my oyster and I was thriving immensely.
So what happened?
I’m going to get really real with you right now. I LOVE being needed. I LOVE giving my all to the people that I surround myself with. And when I fail at doing so, I punish myself. I allow myself to give everything I have out, while saving very little of what’s left for myself. I’m living my life for everyone else.
AND ITS ALL MY FAULT.
You see, it’s easy to be taken for granted when all you want to do is to please others, you find yourself constantly offering to help in any way possible, & you NEVER say no – not only because you have always done this for them & are afraid to say no but because you cannot handle the possibility of them being in the slightest bit upset.
It may not be my fault that I was cheated on, that Ive found myself in relationships where I was treated like dirt (though I could’ve gotten out sooner), but it sure as hell was my fault that I ALLOWED MYSELF to be taken advantage of. And while it may be scary to say no and risk them being unhappy with you, you should remember NOT that they would do it for you, but that YOUR HAPPINESS is what matters most.
Continually justifying why you’re unhappy and why that’s “ok” is a BIG RED FLAG. You can only do this so long… there are only so many hairs on your head that can turn gray! And it’s only so long before you find yourself resenting your significant other, all because you couldn’t step back, rationalize the situation & come to terms that you cannot spend 100% of your life pleasing others. HELL, I wouldn’t recommend 75%!!
I’m curious what your thoughts are on this. How much of your life is spent pleasing others? Do you give more than you should in your relationships? I understand that there is a fine line between being a good mother or father and being a bad one, but just because you give yourself a couple of hours each week for YOU time doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom or dad. And if you don’t make your husband lunch before work EVER that certainly does not make you a bad wife. It’s time to audit your lifestyle and figure out what’s working for you and what isn’t. Stop justifying that YOU time comes second or third (or never) to cleaning the house or mowing the lawn. Those things are important, but your sanity is more important. Talk to your significant other about this, bridge the gap, figure out what would make your life fulfilling and GO FOR IT. Once all is said & done, I think you’ll find just how easy it was to move forward. Your brain will be lacking all of those excuses you use to get out of things & will be focused on the person that you want to be.
Are YOU what’s getting in the way of what you ultimately want in life?
As John Spence once said, “You cannot change what you refuse to confront…”